Spirit and Sexuality

I found this article called "Intimacy and Ecstasy" in the current issue of Yoga Journal, and have reprinted some selections here. For me the real juice is in the first few paragraphs, and the rest is an elaboration.

Nothing pushes our buttons more than an intimate, committed relationship. It's only through engaging in relationship that we can start to work through the muck of our own psyche and see where healing needs to take place. Our biggest spiritual awakenings result from how we relate to each other. To run from that would have stunted my spiritual growth." Then, the Scottsdale, Arizona, Anusara Yoga teacher met her husband, Martin, and things came together. Now, she says, "When I'm making love to Martin, I truly see him as the Divine incarnate. I see him as holy. When you're seeing that the other is a manifestation of divinity, you get in touch with your own spirituality."

For most of us, that sort of spiritual-sexual connection—if we've ever had it—is a very rare experience. You might even call it the elusive trifecta of great sex: feeling desired and cherished by your partner; experiencing a complete sense of comfort and of being present and awake in the moment; and connecting deeply to your partner on both the spiritual and physical levels for a satisfying release (whatever that might be). It's what sex therapist Gina Ogden, Ph.D., author of The Heart and Soul of Sex, describes as "a feeling of oneness and transcendence—being wrapped in a sense of universal love."

Love Connection

Chances are, "better sex" isn't at the top of your list of things to work on to bring yourself closer to enlightenment. But the two go hand in hand, according to yoga teacher Mark Whitwell, author of Yoga of Heart: The Healing Power of Intimate Connection, who goes so far as to say, "Sex is the principal means to directly experiencing our authentic life." Sex, at the very least, gives us a peek into our true essence. The moment of orgasm may be one of the most accessible (albeit fleeting) ways we can find nonthinking and nonduality.

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Connecting with ourselves isn't a step any of us can skip, Whitwell stresses. "Your first intimacy is with your own body and breath," he says. "If you try to improve a relationship without developing that receptivity, there is no chance you can receive or be sensitive to another. There is a direct correlation." Without relaxing into ourselves, in other words, how can we truly relax into the body (and soul) of another? If we are only strong (what Whitwell calls a "penetrating" force, rather than a "receiving" one), we haven't set ourselves up to truly accept someone else, and the usual relationship problems ensue. "But," he emphasizes, "if two people are sensitive to their own bodies and their own lives through a yoga practice, and they come together, a natural feeling follows between the two—a sense that their bodies know what to do and how to move."

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Youthful Yearnings

When we're young, and especially if we're in the treacherous waters of the dating pool, having a true spiritual connection in a sexual relationship can seem like asking for the moon. "In your teens, 20s, and even 30s, sexual desire can be wrapped around getting a partner, having a partner, moving in, building a life together," Ogden notes. In treating relationships as something to be accomplished or achieved—much as we often approach our careers at this time in our lives—and having specific expectations for what we want, we're likely blocking the way to a more authentic connection between spirit and sexuality.

"When I talk to people in their 20s, there's a powerful sense of the way things should be versus the way things are," says Jeon, 46. To counter that, Ogden suggests meditation—with your partner or on your own—with "the intention that you will learn about your next step in connecting your sexuality with the larger meanings in your life. What is the next step that your body is leading you to?"

This means overcoming the mistrust of the body that most of us have been taught. "We are told over and over that we learn through our minds, not our bodies, so sometimes it takes a process before you can fully trust the body and learn to separate egotistical tendencies from life-enhancing ones," explains Jorge Ferrer, Ph.D., an associate professor at the California Institute of Integral Studies in San Francisco. "If an experience—including sexual experiences—is egotistical, normally it gives you short-term satisfaction and later a sense of emptiness. If it's life-enhancing, there's a sense of satisfaction with the body."

True self-acceptance is a crucial part of combining yoga and sexuality in the service of a richer spiritual life. It's also something that Americans frequently stumble over, particularly during our youth, claiming that we don't feel any shame about our bodies or our desires. But, says Ogden, who's seen thousands of women who say they want more meaningful sex, "guilt often gets in the middle of the desire for spiritual meaning." Whitwell has observed that almost everyone feels self-conscious or "bodily inhibited" to some degree. Which means that it may be necessary to take a hard look at how you're defining what's "normal" when it comes to sex. "You want to begin to shift the focus on the body from its being either dirty or shameful, or as a tool to attract someone, to the body as sacred—not in an inviolate, virginal sense, but as something to treat responsibly," Ogden explains.

And, how, exactly, do you make such a shift to overcome inhibitions or discomfort with the full expression of your sexuality and spirituality? (After all, talking about God often feels more taboo than sharing every detail of our sex lives.) First, says Ogden, recognize that we're all bombarded with "cultural messages that sex and spirit are very separate. Those messages are everywhere, so if you've come to believe them, it doesn't mean you're strange or sick." Women in particular may still hold ideas about what "good" girls should and shouldn't do, she adds.

In her therapy practice, Ogden's clients short-circuit the cultural hard-wiring by talking about what their parents, clergy, or teachers told them about sex. "I find out literally where in their body they're incorporating that," she says. "Often women will feel it in their pelvis. They'll tighten it right up or they'll hold their breath. I can see them breathing just from the chest up instead of taking full breaths." Thus, coming back to the very essence of yoga—the full, deep inhalations and exhalations of pranayama—is a simple way to counter ingrained ideas and feelings that sabotage body and spirit.

Better with Age

If there's an upside to aging, it may well be the greater self-acceptance that comes with the passing years. This softer, gentler approach to ourselves and others may be the reason so many people in midlife and beyond say that their sex lives are better—more spiritual, more varied, more fun—than ever before. "They begin to come from a very clear place of "This is what I want. That is what I don't want,'" Ogden says. "As people get older, they tend to connect spirituality and sexuality more. Sex does not tend to decline at midlife as the pharmaceutical companies would like us to believe." Older people are also likely to redefine what a satisfying sex life is, Whitwell notes. "There may well be a natural inclination to make love less, while the free flow of feeling between intimates remains as strong as ever. A touch of the fingertips may be sufficient, or lying in stillness together."

Like the Crabtrees, Martin and Jordan Kirk have seen sex get better and better over their seven-year marriage. "When we were first together, our sexuality was new and we had lots of sex and were experimenting," says Martin, 46, an Anusara Yoga teacher and the coauthor of Hatha Yoga Illustrated. "Both of us had been married before and had longer-term relationships before, so we knew the cycle that you have sex less often over time, but the depth of our sexuality has increased. It's much richer and more meaningful. I could relate that to our practice of yoga—not just asana—and the deepening understanding of ourselves and each other." Jordan, also 46, agrees: "I feel like I know who I am so much better than 10 or 20 years ago, and with that comes a real comfort level and a confidence with myself and my body that definitely translates into sexuality as I get older."

For men, age loosens what Jeon calls "testosterone's stranglehold," a change that Maril Crabtree's husband has felt firsthand. "The reality of my sex life, versus my perception when I was 40 of what it would be like when I got older, is that it's much more exciting, fun, energizing, and fulfilling than I would have predicted," says Jim Crabtree, 64. "The things that caused me grief or concern in my sex life when I was younger have melted away as I have become more focused on the spiritual aspect. The outcome of that has been that I've just been free to play without performance concerns and I have more fun expressing how I really am, instead of being driven by a part of me that is only a part of me." Or, as Ogden says, "When you combine sexuality and spirituality, a whole new world opens up."

Lorie A. Parch is a freelance writer and yoga teacher in Scottsdale, Arizona.

Why Not to Go There

Lately we have noticed that there are many "opportunities" (or imagined opportunities) in this world. Not all of them are a good idea. Almost by definition, we are faced with a rich ground of practice.

And so, upon reflection and conversation with Dharma Friends, the following list was born. It all sounds obvious, until you really need a reminder, or some skillful self-talk. Or some skillful other-talk.

Arguments Against Casual Sex

• I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way.
• You go into it wanting some sort of connection, some depth of experience (otherwise you'd stay home and masturbate). If that's true, why pretend to trivialize things?
  
• Some people can get away with drinking. Others can't. By the same token, casual sex might work for some people. But not this one.
  
• What starts quickly (or disrespectfully, or mindlessly) ends quickly (or....).
• If you want to be close to someone, why not take the trouble to get to know them without complicating the situation with libido?
• There are other ways to experience intimacy. (Spiritual practitioners know this. In fact, I am starting to wonder if sexual yearning isn't a misidentified spiritual yearning.)
• Nobody has ever found this to be a path to respect or happiness--personal or interpersonal.
• It hasn't worked yet. Why would things change?
  

My Dharma friend also quoted these ideas from Reb Anderson:

• With more devotion comes less clinging; with less devotion comes more clinging.
• In every action, from eating lunch, to chatting with friends, to going to bed with someone, we should be motivated by what is best for all beings--that is: self; other; the world.

Why I (Really) Like Yoga

I have started doing yoga several times a week. Vinyasa (flow) yoga is centered around the breath, so it's an excellent compliment to Zen practice. Coordinating mind and body through a series of poses is extremely centering.

What's more the studio is hot--about 100 degress F--so sweat pours off your body. Once you get used to it, being drenched feels really cleansing.

The mysterious thing for me has been that my experience of yoga varies depending on whether are not there are men in the class, and whether they are in proximity. Generally, male instructors attract more male students; those classes feel much more euphoric to me and..I'm not quite sure how to say this--they feel quite sensual and pleasurable.

Before long, it became clear that the feeling of well-being persisted beyond the class. There was a drawback, though, in that I also felt more, er, interested in men. I felt lonely and empty afterwards. And I had no appropriate means of alleviating that feeling.

So I was torn: sweat and feel great; but get whipped up and feel lonely in the process? It occurred to me to borrow a used T-shirt from a male friend, and see if sleeping with it on my pillow helped assuage the sense of longing. None of the guys in my life--at least not the one I felt comfortable asking-- were willing to help me out.

In that context, I came across this article in today's New York Times. As always in matters of biopersonal experience, I am grateful to science for telling me that my experiences are in fact true. Snarkiness aside, does this mean I'm happier with men around? I think so!

By Nicholas Bakalar

New York Times
February 13, 2007

Smelling a compound in men’s sweat called androstadienone raises levels of the hormone cortisol in heterosexual women, a small study has found, suggesting for the first time that human pheromones might be useful in clinical medicine.

Smelling androstadienone has previously been shown to improve mood and increase sexual arousal in women, but this is the first time that an olfactory stimulus from a specific molecule has been found to lead to a change in hormone levels. The study appears in the Feb. 7 issue of The Journal of Neuroscience.

Researchers gave 21 women 20 sniffs from a bottle containing 30 milligrams of androstadienone, and then, on a different day, had them sniff an identical bottle that contained baker’s yeast, a similar-smelling substance. Neither the researchers nor the subjects knew which bottle was being presented.

The researchers then took saliva samples to track changes in levels of cortisol, a hormone that increases blood pressure and blood sugar levels, among other effects. Sniffing androstadienone significantly improved the women’s mood and increased their sexual arousal, according to the women’s own descriptions, and raised their cortisol levels as measured by saliva tests.

The authors acknowledge that they cannot unequivocally determine whether androstadienone influenced cortisol, which then influenced mood, or whether a change in mood caused by another mechanism led to a change in cortisol.